Not Today!
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: Death is a funny thing. I should know. It has a way of...unbalancing you, of making you see things, you wouldn't see before. When all this is through I may die yet...BUT NOT TODAY! This is the beginning, the start of all the madness and hilarity that followed my years into godhood. I proudly present the BEGINNING of the "Not Going Home" series! Narutoxharem! Revamped and rewritten.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Okay, the original version of this needed reworking, seeing as I penned it SEVERAL YEARS ago.**

 **So its been fixed, improved, and rewritten to be better than before.**

 **I'll say it now, this is a parody/crack fic. Only slightly serious.**

 **Such is the way of the NGH or "Not Going Home" series.**

 **If that's not your cup of tea, then I do apologize.**

 **Its meant to be mad, silly and CHAOTIC.**

 **I return my subjects! For any wondering, YES I have heard your pleas, and decided to present the beginning of the Not Going Home franchise. This, is that story. Not Today! Followed by Not Tomorrow, and so on.**

 **Therefore, before reading this, I SERIOUSLY suggest you stop and read the other "Not" fics, first.**

 **So, I've been going over reviews, and an anonymous reviewer said something that really resonated with me. I love to write. But sometimes, I feel that this gift owns me, rather than I, owning it. Its like a beast inside me, this urge to create, but I can't control it very well, which results in a LOT of new stories. So as of last night, and continuing throughout the week, I'm purging stories that won't be continued, or works that no one enjoys anymore.**

 **Let me know which ones you feel should be continued, before its too late! Don't worry, many of the major ones will remain, but anything from 2008-2009 is likely going out the window with all the rest of the trash, never to be seen again. This may seem sudden I know, but I'm only purging the forgotten fics that no one cares for. Fear not, its not going to be immediate, but it WILL happen, I simply wanted to get this out as a forewarning.**

 **This will be of very few new stories I plan to re-release, god willing. If I have an idea, I plan to make it a damn good one before I just toss it out there, as I devote myself to my other works, soon to number into the hundreds, and potentially dozens as I whittle them down. I need to reassess why I want to write, for the joy of it, and I can't do that by letting you guys down with old, crappy stories I wrote in my early days.**

 **LET THE NEW ERA BEGIN!**

 **...off we go! I proudly present the long awaited BEGINNING of this series...**

 **...Not Today!**

 _"So...this is different."_

 _~?_

 **Shot through the Heart~!**

 _Howdy~!_

 _It's me, Naruto!_

 _No, no no, not the pansy-ass canon one!_

 _The Not Going Home one! C'mon, ya'll know who it is!_

 _A bit of the ol' boredom finally caught up with me this morning after I finished my last journey with...oh, what was it? Memory gets foggy sometimes. Ah! One Piece. I'll have to tell ya about that, sometime. Anywho, I'd just finished what amounted to years and YEARS of adventure on the high seas, writing down ma' thoughts and feelings and I thought to myself, hey! I never chronicled the most important adventure, yet! There's been so many of them since the b_

 _And before ya ask, no I'm not talking about my adventures in Bleach._

 _No, not Dragon Age! That's not been told yet!_

 _No, no, not how I met Saber!_

 _ **NO** not that time in Star Wars, either!_

 _Do I really have to spell it out for you guys?_

 _THE!_

 _BEGINNING!_

 _How all this "Not Going Home" stuff began!_

 _How did a punk kid become the devilishy handsome, charming, ramen-loving blond we all know today? Who started this crazy dimension-hopping spree and all? What was that key event that took my boring life-and yes for those reading, I have looked into the canon life of a normal me When did it happen? Where? Why was it all brought it all about? How?_

 _The events that brought about my ascension to godhood nearly turned reality itself inside out on multiple occasions and almost destroyed the very fabric of time itself. In all my years, I have never dared to repeat them hence, and frankly, I don't care to._

 _Ah, but I'm rambling._

 _Now, I'm sure you're all wondering how this STARTED am I right?_

 _It happened right after a certain someone-do I really have to remind you who?-shoved a chidori through my heart-yes, **HEART** , not lung!-and left me to rot in a certain valley. You know, death isn't always instant, when you have a fox trying to keep you alive. For a good while, about three hours in fact, I lay there, my decimated heart trying to heal itself. Sucking in short, tiny breaths, fighting-CLAWING-to cling to the tattered thread of my life, or what was left of it, as the beast keeping me alive exhausted itself and withered away._

 _Not gonna lie, I was a stupid little shit, even back then._

 _Clueless, and stupid._

 _Zaeed once told me rage is a hell of an anesthetic, but back then I wasn't even angry at Sasuke for what he'd done. Just...stunned. He'd killed me. Me. His friend. Ally. Nakama. Without a second thought. And I couldn't accept it. The idea of dying was so foreign to me, so alien, that I simply couldn't see it happening to me. I was dying but my body, my chakra, it wouldn't acknowledge it. I even prayed a bit, towards the end. I vowed to myself that I would do whatever it took, that I would change things, if only I could live._

 _I prayed, I pleaded and I begged for a second chance, swearing to take nothing for granted ever again. I lay there, helpless, trapped beneath the rubble that bastard blasted me into, listening as Kakashi-sensei arrived, unable to call out. To speak. I could barely even breathe. Even after he gave up looking for me, I didn't despair. Somehow, someway, I still thought that I'd be saved._

 _Until I took my last breath._

 _Yup._

 _In short..._

 _...I kinda died._

 _That Naruto died, too._

 _And with that death, his, **my** first death, everything changed..._

 _...see for yourself!_

* * *

 **(...0o0o0...)**

* * *

Chakra is a funny thing.

It reacts to all manner of stimuli, bloodlines, even nature itself. Countless factors can change it, warp it, sometimes even alter it completely. Ponder that for a moment, if you will. How would the chakra of a jinchuuriki, a living weapon, react to a sudden influx of outside, foreign chakra? Moreso when that chakra is lightning-based and thrust through his heart. Bodily damage aside, let us take a loot at the internal. Even a Bijuu doesn't possess infinite chakra, infinite chakra...

...but if that chakra were poured into its host entirely, utterly exhausted, what might happen? If that chidori struck not a lung, but the heart, instead? Into his body? Nerves? His very soul?

What might it change?

EVERYTHING.

Alas, these thoughts were the furthest things from Kurama's mind at the moment.

For as Naruto lay there in the rain, trapped by stone, the fox was working furiously.

 _Desperately._

All of his chakra, all of his being, his very soul itself had been exhausted, spent in restoring the heart of his host. Crimson chakra boiled through his veins, working furiously to repair a savaged heart, broken and ripped apart. Every part of him, every fiber of his being was focused in this task, and somehow, miraculously, he succeeded. But at great cost. By the time he realized this, it was too late to take his chakra back-and it wasn't as if he rightly could-for his every effort only tore his host's body asunder.

He felt himself fading with each passing second and it frightened him more than anything else in nearly an entire age.

The cold chill of death sank a clawed hand into his spine, trailing fingers of ice down his soul in a frigid line.

He didn't know, and now, even those bitter thoughts escaped him.

Would he reincarnate? Or did this mean a real, true death?

Might he return in time, or was this his final end?

He was fading.

 _Falling..._

 **"Damn kid,"** came his last thought," **You'd better appreciate this...**

And it was all for naught.

For all of his power, all his might, the fox failed to account for the electric current still coursing through his tenant's body. A curse-mark chidori was nothing to scoff at; it had ripped through their cloak like it was paper, and even now, he felt the twisted, tainted energies warring inside his host. Vying with his own energy, and the ruined remnants of the boy's own chakra, something new was born. Something strong. Purified. The Nine Tails felt the tiniest pang of regret, knowing he wouldn't be around to see this strange new chakra...

For the teenager's beleaguered heart however, it finally proved to be too much. The human body, even that of a ninja, could only take so much strain. And today, Naruto had met that strain and exceeded it.

Uzumaki Naruto died of a heart attack moments later, joining the fox in death.

For all of three minutes.

Then it happened.

 _Bzzt._

A tiny crackle of electricity coursed through him, a single, crackling line. Then another. Blue lines etched themselves across his body, growing louder and harsher with each successive pop. A stone rolled off his coffin of boulders, exposing an arm. Twitching fingers. Another still, a bit of stone tumbling away from the ruined wall under which he found himself trapped.

And...another?

 _Another still!_

As the boy's body lay there, writhing, stones tumbled away, exposing his body within. His mouth opened in a silent, soundless scream his eyes rolled back to expose nothing but white. Distantly, he was aware of the fact that he was not yet dad but the pain, pain, pain oh the PAIN! It was everywhere, everyone, everything! Finally, when he was certain he could take it no more, these incredible agonies reached a crescendo, and a savage spark stabbed into his chest, bringing forth the impossible.

A bolt of lightning responded, stabbing forth from the heavens themselves!

That was all it took tor restart his heart.

 _Ba-dump._

"JESUS MOTHA~!"

With a bloodcurdling yelp Naruto bolted upright from his coffin of stone, clutching his heart. Gasping, his eyes squinted in the downpour, struggling to see. His clothes smoldered from the storm, a thin cloud of steam like hot coals buffeting his vision as he looked on. And into the silence, something hissed at him.

 **"You are banished from death."**

Not the best words to wake up, to, I know.

"So. Not dead. Also. Hole in my chest. Neeaaaaaat."

When only the silence answered him, he managed a withering groan.

"Alright," he muttered, "So we got some Shadow of Mordor shit going on here...

Groaning, he tried to pull himself out of the strange, earthen depression in which he found himself.

That soon proved to be a mistake. His bare feet wailed in protest, _screaming_ the moment they touched the floor of the valley, invisible pins and needles stabbing at them. Every footstep, agony. His knees cried out, buckling, unable to support his weight. Groaning he half stumbled, to his knees, gasping for breath. Even that nearly overwhelmed him. The panic almost consumed his mind, the claws of a great beast ripping at his thoughts, shredding them to pieces.

"I...I don't...what...where...

A thought carried him across the valley.

Just.

Like.

That.

He thought it and it happened, his body simply vanished and reappeared at the point of his destination, sending him tumbling to the floor.

Sparks skittered up and down his body like a living thing, as though he'd become a living amalgamation of lightning itself. His hand snapped up in a raw panic, and a bolt arced from his fingertips, ripping a savage rent in the floor of the valley. Naruto yelped, recoiling!

That was when he saw it.

There, in a thin basin of water left untouched by the battle, he saw his face.

His face was virtually unchanged, if you ignored the lines. Bright, blue _lines_ etched into his skin, seeming to writhe and crackle as he looked on. Like living things. Eerie. A sparking hand rose, touching his cheek, and the marks recoiled, vanishing into his skin.

Not only those, but his chest.

He'd assumed his would to have healed yet upon closer inspection he realized it was quite the opposite; when he reached for his upper torso he felt a painful indent that seared his palms to the touch. Not quite a hole, but neither could it be called _whole,_ either. As though his very flesh were aflame. Whatever had killed him was also sustaining him. Still, most of his body-corpse?-was surprisingly intact.

His skin and whiskers most assuredly were not.

Now a bright, bleached blue spike, the once blond mess stood upright and jagged, almost rigidly so. Even his eyes had been changed-warped, somehow now by the change-now an eerie neon blue instead of the glittering blue sapphires they'd been once before. The corners of his mouth twitched in disbelief, struggling for moments to make the words:

"What in the world...?!"

His yelp turned the ground to a smoldering crater beneath his feet, shaking the waters of the pool. Gazing at those wild, haunting eyes.

In that instant, something broke, deep inside his soul.

Then his reflection began to _laugh_ back at him.

Madness followed soon thereafter.

 **A/N: Yup, there we go.** **Second chapter soon. As in TOMORROW soon.**

 **Don't mind me, just in crippling pain...**

 **AND THE INSANITY BEGINS!**

 **So, in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would You Kindly?**

 **(Preview)**

 _Naruto laughed and stepped away, carefully, so as not to set off the trap._ _"Say, what."_

 _Yellow eyes twitched murderously._

 _"Wha-_

 _THOOM!_

 _With a deafening crackle, the explosive tags on the arrow detonated, ripping Orochimaru to pieces. Bits of blood and gore rained down in every direction, but the former blond barely spared it a glance. Pranks would be on the list later but for now, NOW now, was the time for a reckoning. After all, he had to thank him! Thank him for this gift!_

 _"Ah, priceless...now...Sasuke-kun...where are you~?"_

 _He thought he heard a whimper from the next room._

 _"Bingo!"_

* * *

 _"There's a hole in your chest!"_

 _"I noticed!"_

* * *

 _"But you promised..._

 _"Yeah. I did. Guess what, sweetheart?_ _He killed me!_ _All bets are off."_

* * *

 _"Right, usurping God. I think I'll make that the end goal."_

 _"Are you insane?!"_

 _"No, just emotionally numb. Why?_

* * *

 _"When you've died once, you don't take life as seriously."_

 _"Shouldn't...shouldn't it be the other way around?"_

 _"How the hell would I know?"_

* * *

 _"You're literally surrounded by water. I'm lightning. How did you think this would end?"_

 _"Well. That's not fair at all."_

 **R &R~! =D**


	2. Rock You Like A Hurricane

**A/N: Well, here you go.**

 **I made a promise, didn't I?**

 **Reviews feed my engine of creation~!**

 **Can't speak for anyone else, but pretty sure they're all that's keeping me sane at this point.**

 **Ack...sorry...I'm really not feeling too good right now...no, that isn't a pun. I genuinely feel like crap as I write this author's note.**

 **Long story short, I need dental work done, and my insurance doesn't want to cover it. Root canals, crowns, that sort of thing. In other words? I'm forced to pay out of pocket, which means I'm going to be out a few thousand dollars assuming I can even scrape together that kind of money. Have to pay up front too, or they won't even TOUCH my teeth. Well, I'm sure you've been there and done that before dear reader, so I won't ask for sympathy. I take damn good care of my teeth, but there it is, there they are, and it needs doing.**

 **I've been trying to make updates more frequent but the pain's getting downright distracting at this point and affecting my work. Nothing's infected mind you, but it still hurts like hell.**

 **Just wanted to apologize for that, there.**

 **Don't worry, I'll find a way through this somehow.**

 **Now then, onto more important matters. It seemed some weren't content to leave this as a oneshot, so here we are. Despite my health woes, I've decided to give ya'll another present for the coming holidays.** **Also, the second chapter of Not My Chaldea-at a whopping 15,000 words-didn't get many reviews as of the time of this authors note, so we MAY have been a little depressed. Give it a look, if you like. It'd mean the world to me.**

 **Not sure if this'll get a lot of views or reviews, given all the holiday madness is going on at the moment.**

 **Eh, screw it.**

 **Remember, don't treat this story rationally.**

 **Think of it what you will; a parody, a crack fic, or even a hybrid.**

 **Try not to dwell on it too much. After all, you might drive yourself insane~!**

 **Recall that Naruto literally died and came back to live. His body's essentially a living conduit thanks to Sasuke's last assault. Powered by pure energy.**

 **...also, he may or may not be undead at the moment. Think of him as a modern-day Frankenstein of sorts.**

 **Had a blast writing this, was going for more of a 2003 General Grievous vibe in that Naruto-at this point in time-is literally operating on instinct and little else. Yes, I speak of the ORIGINAL Grievous not the complete and utter bastardization that was the 2008 version. We don't talk about 2008.**

 **Also operating under the premise that Orochimaru actually SLEEPS at all.**

 **Hope it makes you smile. It'd make me feel better...**

 _"What's the matter, boy? Nothing to say? Cat got your tongue?"_

 _...actually, one word does come to mind."_

 _"And what might that be-_

 ** _"BURN."_**

 _~?_

 **Rock You Like A Hurricane**

 _Now you understand my...conundrum._

 _They say death has a way of opening your eyes._

 _So, if one is freshly undead or resurrected or what-have-you, what does that do to them?_

 _Right, leave it to me to ask the deep questions. Heaven knows I've gotten myself killed more times than I can count._

 _Expiring tends to...destabilizing the brain. Doesn't matter how long you're gone for. It could be seconds. Minutes, even. In the end it doesn't matter how long you're out. Inevitably when you claw your way back out of that abyss and come back to yourself, you find something's changed. You may be alive, but your body-your mind-remembers what it felt like. And so, something changes. Call it trauma. Maybe you're not as kind as you used to be. You might've forfeited a memory or two. Or perhaps, in my case..._

 _...you simply lose your ability to reason._

 _Not to say I went bonkers right off the bat mind you; no, the events that led me to where I am now-currently kicking about the Fate universe with a mad smile!-were a slow and insidious thing. One that built up over time. My first death at Sasuke's hand followed by my subsequent "revival" merely kickstarted the process. Several centuries_ _and a fair bit of therapy later, I'll still be the first to admit I'm not quite right in the head. Nowadays I can at least control my worst impulses and empathize with others._

 _That day...not so much._

 _Really, the results all but spoke for themselves..._

 _Yes, that day? Hmm. How to describe it? My mind didn't take kindly to waking up as a modern-day Frankenstein, let me tell you. At the time my body was little more than a corpse-still alive in a sense-yet unable to die. A strange fixture powered by the very energies meant to murder me._ _Undead._ _Almost ironic, really. In trying to kill me, 'ol duckbutt simply hastened his own destruction. But that's not good enough for you, is it? No, you want details, you want to know what happened, to whom, from their point of view._

 _Very well, then. Let me tell you a story, dear journal of mine:_

 _Once upon a time, there was a young boy._

 _Lonely and ostracized by his village, he was something of a pariah nevertheless he wished to prove himself to them._

 _To make a long story short, the boy made a friend. A talented warrior gifted from birth with incredible skill, yet also cursed beyond measure._

 _This boy thought he could save his best friend from the demons that tormented him. And he succeeded. For a time. Then the lust for vengeance grew too great for his friend to bear. His friend fled, betraying him and everyone he'd ever known, all for the sake of power._ _So the foolish boy made a promise to an equally foolish girl, wrung from him on pain of death. He would save his friend or die trying._ _Perhaps that was naive of the boy; to think he could turn someone away from the darkness they'd so readily given themselves to._

 _Still, he gave his word._

 _That simple promise would cost him his life and so much more._ _That oath would catapult him from this mortal coil._ _That pledge molded him into a warrior; that vow cemented his destiny as a wander. T_ _hat pact made him a monster._ _An abomination, one who would live to see the world burn, devour a goddess, and wander through realms outside his own._ _But first the boy wrought his vengeance on those who wronged him._ _Upon the man who deliberately led his friend astray in the first place._ _Upon the being who tempted his friend with untold power._ _Upon his friend, that traitor who fist forsook their friendship._

 _As far as the boy was concerned, the moment his friend killed him, all bets were off._

 _...looking back, I might have gone a little overboard. Just a tad._

 _In hindsight, can't really blame myself for going nuts._

 _Still...at least some good came out of it._

* * *

 ** _(...0o0o0...)_**

* * *

"Wake up."

Tayuya didn't want to open her eyes.

Spirits, she really, really, _truly_ didn't want to.

Darkness soothed. Light burned. Beaten and battered, her muscles refused to respond to her commands. Torn ligaments and shattered bones sent shards of agony shooting through her with every breath. She suspected her legs were broken at the very least; paralyzed at worst by the trees bruising her lower torso. Her body was all but crushed by the fallen oaks resting against her frame, her spirit broken. Even now she floated at death's door; the slightest nudge would send her through. A small part of her raged at the thought of simply rolling over and dying, but the rest of her remained simply too weary too care.

Gods, she was tired.

Was it too much to ask for a break?

Let someone else save the snake bastard.

That way she could finally rest, perhaps even move on.

That annoying jostling against her shoulder grew stronger still, drawing an irritated hiss from the redhead. Someone was speaking to her, but she could scarcely hear them over the ringing in her ears. Now the weight that had so wholly dominated her legs only moments ago was nowhere to be found. Damnit. Couldn't they let her rest in peace? Was it that wind bitch from before? Not content to let her lie, eh? Had she come back to finish what she'd started? What did a girl have to do to _die_ around here? Really, it wasn't fair-

 _Someone restarted her heart._

A thousand volts coursed through the last living member of Orochimaru's elite guard at at once, sending her back arching, mouth parting in a soundless shriek. When she didn't respond fast enough her tormentor shocked her again, causing her battered body to spasm wildly. Cold fury burned the world white around her and in a red rage, she burst upright.

"Fucking hell! I'm awake! _Stop_ that you damn-

Yes, without thinking, those hazel eyes burst open.

Tayuya was not prepared for the sight that awaited her there.

 _She screamed._

Tayuya screamed and screamed and _screamed_ until her throat was sore. Then she screamed some more.

Peripherally she realized she knew this brat-after all she'd glimpsed him once during the chaos of battle with that shadow bastard-but she'd never bothered to remember his name. Now she almost wished she had. Perhaps that might have given her some insight into the grim creature standing before her. Perhaps then she might have understood how-why?!-this was happening to her. Rather, what-who!-she was looking at and why they'd sought her out, to no avail. Her mind gibbered madly, denying her rational thought. Not human, not normal, not natural! Abomination! Unclean, unclean, UNCLEAN!

"GET AWAY FROM ME!"

Aghast, the crippled redhead skittered backward like a drunken crab, legs dragging uselessly behind her.

All her courage, all her fury, all her spite-everything shriveled up. Only fear remained. Bravery died a slow shuddering death in her chest as that _thing_ shuffled after. Towards her. Moving with the slow, relentless stride o one who had all the time in the world. Sparks skittered across his body like live wires, reaching out for her with unseen hands.

"There's a hole in your chest!" she shrieked! "Why is there a fucking _hole_ in your chest?!"

In a sudden blaze of blue he was upon her, crushing her against the ground.

A hand closed around her mouth in recompense for her temerity.

Blinding blue eyes loomed large before her, furious.

Three hoarse words trickled into the air:

 _"Where. Is. He?"_

* * *

 **(...0o0o0...)**

* * *

They hit without warning.

An abrupt explosion of what could only be called _sound_ rocked Orochimaru's world all at once, ripping him from his bed _-as well as his slumber-_ to hurl him against the nearest wall with sound and aplomb. Hideous pain roared through the base of his skull as he lay there, momentarily stunning the slippery Sanin while he fought to blink the stars out his vision. Even then the chaos didn't relent; a fresh tremor ripped through the floor, dashing a series of fragile vials upon the floor beside him.

When the acrid stench of those ghastly chemicals finally hit his nose, the snake finally realized what was transpiring in his base.

This wasn't merely some experiment gone wrong; no, the explosions were too localized.

By the gods above and below, they were actually being _attacked._

Golden eyes narrowed to vicious slits, boiling with wrath.

 _'What in blazes?'_

Struggling to his feet, he managed to right himself mere moments before the ceiling loosed a threatening rumble. A fresh quaked rattled his world and that rumble warped into a dangerous groan. With a supreme effort the recovering shinobi flung himself to safety; shouldering the door to his room aside and lurching into the hall just as his quarters consumed themselves in an avalanche of upturned earth. A muscle jumped in his jaw at the humiliation. Yet the dirt-brown walls offered no clues, no hints pertaining to the identity of his would-be-killer.

Tsunade?

Had that fool finally found him?

The fool, she'd have to send an army!

The fools would blunder right into his traps!

Ohhhhhhhhh, there would be a reckoning for this.

Whomever was so foolish as to assault his base-to attack him of all people-would pay most dear. Their life wouldn't be enough; oh no, they would suffer until the end of time itself, bleed from a thousand cuts, have their very organs harvested time and time again...!

 _THOOOM!_

A fresh conflagration ripped through his world, forcing him to fling up an arm to ward off the blinding light. Ah. That was the research wing. It served as a painful reminder of the situation; he could scarcely afford the time to dwell when his world was coming apart at the seams. Still, this was only a minor setback, and this, not his only base of operation. He would retreat for now and live to fight another day. So long as he possessed Sasuke it was merely a matter of time before all became his, and once he laid claim to the boy's body the very world would be at his fingertips-

Thus it came as something of a surprise when he realized that it wasn't an army at all.

Rounding the nearest bend, he came face to face with them.

The very being responsible for this chaos.

Just a boy.

"You...?"

Of course, Orochimaru was peripherally aware of who Uzumaki Naruto was; they'd encountered one enough on a handful of occasions after all. Throughout each, his opinion of the boy hadn't wavered. In truth, he considered him little more than an upstart genin with a big mouth and personality to match. Loud. Obnoxious. Horridly annoying. That indefatigable optimism of his granted on every nerve, made him long to snuff it out like the feeble candle that it was.

That runt Jiraiya had taken under his wing.

The container of the Nine-Tailed Fox.

 _This was not Uzumaki Naruto._

Keen eyes discerned the changes immediately of course; one didn't live long in his line of work without some sense of self preservation. Chakra thrummed from him like a thing alive, a living breathing entity pulsing with each beat of his heart. He noted the changes in his physique next, just as he discerned those strange blue veins reaching up from his neck to enshroud his face. The lad had grown nearly a head taller seemingly overnight, earning him an oddly lean look despite his tattered clothes. It leant him a strange confidence in his shambling gait.

Then there were the burns.

Someone or something had scarred his chest horribly-perhaps the very energies that sustained him-leaving a gaping tear in his torso.

Despite this most grievous wound, he did not die.

Despite his horrid injuries, he did not bleed.

Despite his broken body, he advanced.

Then there was that unruly golden mane, now a wild shade of ghastly azure blue, standing wildly at attention as though he'd seized a live wire, The extent of his...changes went far beyond that. There was a high, wild light to those eyes that hadn't been there before; a gleam that had nothing to do with his expression, yet everything to do with the rising tension in the air. That was certainly chakra surrounding him, yet not chakra. It felt too old, too ancient. Primal, in its existence. Sparks skittered around him, scrawling across the walls without thought, without care.

And those eyes found him.

...?"

A spark of irritation kindled itself to life in what remained of the sanin's rotten soul. Change or no, it didn't matter. He knew not how the boy had found his way here, nor what exactly had wrought these...alterations...to his body but he could make an educated guess as tot he catalyst. Sasuke claimed to have dealt his friend a mortal blow during their final battle and gazing at this shambling...thing, he found himself inclined to believe the Uchiha. Clearly his old friend had revived somehow, and as fascinating as that might be, anger trumped logic _. Die._

Lazily, he flicked a kunai towards the blond's head at blinding speeds.

By rights, he shouldn't have been able to react in time.

No genin possessed that kind of agility.

Certainly not this ruined husk.

 _Bzzt._

Instead the metal knife inexplicably encountered resistance and recoiled, struck aside by a wild blue spark. Another missed its mark entirely as the blond simply shifted his body out of its path altogether. Oh? Faster than he remembered. No, he reminded himself, there was still no need for escape at all. Very well then; rather, he'd take his time tormenting the fool for the sake of his own amusement. Perhaps that would dull his anger. But how to begin? How best to twist young Uzumaki's emotions and use them against him? In the end, the solution revealed itself.

"Here for your friend, are you?"

Still that dull, emotionless expression.

"What's the matter, boy?" he called into the silence, twisting the knife further still. "Nothing to say? Cat got your tongue?"

Those eerie blank eyes rose to regard him, slowly. An ember of emotion returned.

Good. He wanted the boy to be aware before he began to suffer.

Slowly, painfully, words stuttered out of the reborn blond.

...actually," he hissed, "One word does come to mind."

A dark brow rose in mild amusement.

"And what might that be-

A hand rose.

 **"BURN."**

With a deafening crackle a surge of what could only be called _light_ erupted from Naruto's body and surged forward in a tearing roar. It spared no thought for the walls or ceiling, nay, even the floor itself. A single blast of pure power wrought from that shattered, shambling body. Aghast, Orochimaru didn't even have time to respond to the sudden assault, much less retreat. Too fast! An incredulous expression dawned upon that pale, visage mere moments before the wave overtook him; then he found himself overwhelmed. In his last moments, he experienced no regret, only twisted confusion.

 _'Well, that's...not fair...at all..._

Charred ash rained down in every direction, but the former blond barely spared it a glance. Pranks would be on the list later but for now, NOW now, was the time for a reckoning. After all, he had to thank him! Thank him for this gift!

"Ahhhhh, priceless...now...Sasuke-kun...where are you~?"

He thought he heard a whimper from the next room.

Blue eyes rounded on the noise.

 _"Bingo!"_

 **A/N: In a lot of pain right now, so I apologize for the lack of an author's note down here. Hope you enjoy it. Now excuse me while I writhe in agony. Ciao~!**

 **So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would Ya Kindly?**

 **And enjoy the previews!**

 **Well, potential ones.**

 **I OWN NOTHING.**

 **(Preview)**

 _"You're still pillaging this place?"_

 _...resources. Need."_

 _"Aaand you're still talking like that."_

 _He considered the technology for a long moment. Anything made by Orochimaru was not be trusted of course, but surely...?_

 _"Better." an armored arm rose, flexing._

 _"You look like a cyborg, dipshit."_

 _...thanks, I think?"_

* * *

 _"What the hell're you doing?"_

 _...fixing your legs. Try not to move."_

 _Tayuya bristled. "The hell? I don't see how-AAARGH!"_

 _Her back arched with an explosive hiss as her companion set the bone._

 _...told you not to move." he was mocking her, she just knew it. Sparky bastard...!_

* * *

 _"Fear, intimidation, and surprise. For if any of one of these is lacking, you should retreat."  
_

* * *

 _"Where." the word emerged as little more than a dry rasp._

 _"Where?"_

 _"WHERE IS SHE?"_

* * *

 _"Now you will know Pain-_

 _CRUNCH._

 _Clenched knuckles barreled into the side of his visage with explosive speed, hurling him away at breakneck speed._

 _...you talk too much."_

 **R &R~! =D**


	3. One Bad Day (Interlude)Chapter 3

**A/N: A MAN LIVES!**

 **A MAN RETURNS FROM WORK!**

 **A MAN WEEPS AT GAME OF THRONES AND HER ENDING!**

 **Long story short? I saw the ending. It was...well. An ending. Some have been more...vocal about it than most. What about Gilly? What about Daario? Or Essos? Did they skip ahead somehow? It felt like they skipped ahead and the characters were suddenly OLDER-Robin, Yara, Brienne, Podrick-all of a sudden. It just feels...a little rushed by the end there, you know? Sorry, I'm just not sure how to feel about it.**

 **In other news, I may soon have another writing partner, which will make divvying up updated stories easier.**

 **As to why I haven't been able to update as regularly as I used to...well...first there's** **the fact that I have no time off this week. None! Which means almost zero time to write! AND EVERYONE WANTS GAME OF THRONES STORIES! Not to mention other updates! I'm trying! Nevermind the fact that I haven't gotten so much as a wink of sleep in the last two days, nevermind that I'm having another surgery soon, nevermind that I'm thousands of dollars in debt and still in CRIPPLING PAIN-**

 ***takes a deep breath***

 **Sorry, that might be the sleep deprivation talking.**

 **So here's an interlude while I head to work. Assuming I don't crash.**

 **Obviously I own no lines, references, or quotes associated with other media.**

 **Remember, this is the PREQUEL to the Not Going Home series. Hope it makes you smile!**

 **Mild warning for Tayuya's foul mouth because this is TAYUYA we're talking about. Censoring her makes no sense~!**

 _"What is normality?_ _What is sanity?_

 _What makes us throw it away like old newspaper?_

 _Simple. One bad day, friend. You see, that's really all that_ _it takes."_

 _~?_

 **One Bad Day (Interlude)**

 _Ain't that the truth?_

All it takes is one bad day.

Tayuya knew that better than most. She already _had_ her bad day. She was still living it here and now; at this very moment. It only took one bad day to ruin your life. And to think it had all started off so well, too! It felt like victory had been pried from her grasp at the last moment, leaving her to grasp at straws in the vain hope of survival.

Damn windy woman. She'd get her if it was the last thing she did.

Now with each passing second the last living member of the Sound Four found herself shifting impatiently in her chair-well, as much as a girl with no broken legs _could_ shift-and waiting impatiently as her companion continued his ill-advised search. Rooting through cellars and shelves and anything he could get his hands on, he had yet to utter so much as a single word to her since Under any other circumstance she might've found it funny. Now? With her flute smashed and her body broken, her chakra all but drained-even her mark-to the point of being stolen?

She just wanted to sleep.

Which was _impossible_ in this hard-ass chair!

"Are you done yet?" she groaned through clenched teeth

This question, directed to her unlikely ally, bounded off the dirt brown walls of the facility and went unheard in the bowels of Orochimaru's laboratory. Well. Former laboratory she supposed. Now that the slippery snake and his potential host were naught but smears on the wall, she found she had no desire to rush after them into oblivion. Dead was dead-or undead in Naruto's case-and Tayuya was in no hurry to avenge either. Let them spin in the void for all she cared. What did she care for the dead?

She was quite attached to the living, _thankyouverymuch!_

Shame about the four-eyed bastard, though. He'd either been buried under rubble or managed to slip away at some point during the confusion. Tayuya was willing to thrown down _serious_ coin on the latter. Kabuto was nothing in not resilient; it was all too likely that the sanin's aide had seen the destruction and turned tail like the coward he was. All well and good in her eyes, given that she couldn't fight her way out of a wet paper bag at the moment, and as for Naruto...

"Oi!" she clicked her tongue in exasperation at the thought of the recalcitrant blond, "Whiskers! You there?! I'm talking to you!"

An annoyed grunt answered her and an empty bottle sailed out of the cupboard to smack her forehead. Tayuya hissed and clutched at the rising welt there, but instinctively managed to duck when a full flask of _something_ sailed over her head and shattered against a nearby wall with an acrid spatter. Her gaze snapped toward the sound, eyes widening as she watched the acid fizz and sputter furiously. That could have been her face.

"Hey!" she growled back at the blond. "Watch where you're throwing shit!"

Blue eyes poked over a shelf, accompanied by a sheepish smile.

...sorry."

"You _will_ be if you hit me again, idiot!" she swore virulently. A thought occurred to her, then. "Found anything good while you were pillaging the place?"

His smile shrank somewhat.

...some. Not much."

"Aaand you're still talking like that." her expression collapsed into a deadpan frown as he ducked back down. "Did the Uchiha fry your brain, too?" Something in the way he flinched almost made her pity the blond. Just a tiny bit. Alright, a lot. Not that she was worried about him by any means or measure. Her heart certainly hadn't fluttered just now, she also swore.

No, not in the least!

It was a powerless thing indeed to be a kunoichi without her legs; galling as it might be, she understood that her days as a shinobi were likely ended. Without treatment she was little more than dead weight; and that was if one assumed it to even be possible. With both legs broken, and only the faintest sensation in either, she suspected she'd be paralyzed below the waist for rest of her days. Still...that was preferable to the alternative. If her legs weren't numb she suspected she'd be in a world of pain right now. Once the bones were mended and the shock wore off...

Still, after having a tree dropped on her, the redhead was quite happy to do without for awhile.

Less so when Naruto popped out of hiding with a triumphant shout.

"Aha!"

Her gaze flitted to him as he bounded upright.

It wasn't armor in the true sense of the word, more like...parts. A ramshackle assortment of black leather and metal no doubt intended to help hold his failing body together, coupled with an ungainly breathing apparatus of sorts to aid his mangled lungs and keep him breathing. Even then it wasn't wholly complete, nor had he donned it in its entirety. For now it was merely a dark harness hooked over Naruto's battered right arm and into his sundered chest. At least, Tayuya surmised that this its their purpose. The smallest blue spark skittered over his shoulders as he fiddled with a dark helmet, only to set it aside when he couldn't force it to fit.

"You look like a cyborg, dipshit." a small laugh escaped her despite her best efforts to resist.

The pale smile he granted her hurt her heart.

...thanks, I think?"

She considered the technology for a long moment as he set more of it aside, discarded some, and kept the rest. Anything made by Orochimaru was not be trusted of course. He collected all manner of strange technology from gods knew where-and how little she knew of that!-but surely...? Ah. As she looked on her captor-what else could she call him?-plucked something from a shelf and darted to her. Gloves. Why would he need gloves that thin? And why was he handing her a clean white rag?

"Bite this." he instructed her sternly.

"Hweh?" she huffed. "The hell? What the hell're you doing?"

...fixing your legs." He paused, considering her for a long moment. "Try not to move."

Tayuya bristled as he laid a hand on her limp thigh, feeling for the bone beneath. "The hell? I don't see how-AAARGH!"

Her back arched with an explosive hiss as her companion set a spasm of light shooting through her thigh. He tried to set the bone a heartbeat later and she immediately headbutted him for it. If the undead blond felt any pain he did little to show it; rather his attention merely shifted to her other leg. She had half a second to stuff the rag into her mouth before he _reached in_ and did the same to the opposite limb. Whatever it was, it brought sensation back with a roaring, howling vengeance and made her spit it back out with a shriek.

...told you not to move." his expression never wavered but Tayuya swore he was mocking her, she just knew it. _Sparky bastard...!_

"You better hope this kills me, sparky~!" she hissed, grabbing him by the face. "Because if it doesn't...your ass is mine! You hear me?! You cheeky little- _aargh!"_ A raw, raging red wave of agony seized Tayuya before she could think to threaten him further, drowning out all semblance of words and thought.

Her last coherent thought was to flip him off before she passed out.

Even then, that faint, halting voice stayed with her.

"Well." he blinked. "That's...just rude, that is."

She'd make him pay for that later.

 _In bloody red spades._

 **A/N: Yes.**

 **The armor is a what you think it is, its a deliberate joke and reference to Vader on my part.**

 **There we go.**

 **You're getting a Lannister story after this, dear readers, so please be kind and ease up on the requests. I can only get so many done in a fornight. I'm also i** **n a lot of pain right now, so I apologize for the lack of an author's note down here. Hope you enjoy it. Now excuse me while I writhe in agony. Ciao~!**

 **So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

 **...Review, Would Ya Kindly?**

 **And enjoy the previews!**

 **Well, potential ones.**

 **I OWN NOTHING.**

 **(Preview)**

 _"Owowowow! That hurts!"_

 _It was the most he'd said all afternoon. Stitching a wound of that caliber-much less one in his chest-was no mean feat even with medical knowledge. Considering she knew jack all in the field of medical ninjutsu, stitches, staples, and an unhealthy amount of gauze would have to do. Something to which Naruto protested most stringently._

 _Tayuya was all smiles. "Its gonna hurt! This is payback for my legs!"_

 _"Of course I'm mad. I'm just smart enough to admit it."_

 **R &R~! =D**


End file.
